Confession Time

I have never wanted to cuss more in my life than now that I have 2 kids. Just being completely honest.

I made it through two drug free all natural labors without cussing once. Not once. And now that I am caring for two children day in and day out, it comes so naturally you’d think I’ve cussed all my life. And I haven’t. It’s just not something I do (er…did). Let me explain.

Sunday Morning

Josh leaves for church around 7 am to practice with the worship team. G was up as soon as he left, in bed with me and A-man. Since we’re all up early  I decide to go to first service at 9 AM. It will be tight but we can make it. Everything starts out all smiley and Easter-y. I’m imagining both kids all dressed up in their Easter best, taking Easter photos of them together and heading to church with enough time to grab a bagel before service starts. I’ve got high aspirations folks. Things quickly deteriorate from “I love my chillens. They’re the cutest things in the world!” to “Holy $h-t! What is happening?! Why is everyone having a meltdown, right now?!”

….

G wants to put her shoes on.

Ok G. Momma’s feeding the baby. Go get your shoes out of the hall closet.

Comes back with flip flops.

No G. We’re wearing our dressy shoes. Go get the blue shoes. (I try to communicate with the child still learning her colors).

No MOM! WAAAAAHHHHHH! Shoes on! Shoes on! (as she thrusts them at me repeatedly)

Meltdown #1 occurs.

Eventually we get the appropriate shoes on.

…..

Now Mom is trying to get ready. Do her makeup. Look a little bit nice for Easter Sunday.

Baby is crying on the bed. I can’t make him happy, so he’ll have to cry while I get dressed.

G takes her shoes off and starts crying again. (We’ve got them both going at once now.)

WAAAAAHHHHHH! Shoes on! Shoes on!

G leave your shoes on! If you take them off again I’m not putting them back on!

Meltdown #2 and #3 There’s no way I’m getting Easter photos of these two.

…..

Time to go. Baby is crying. Not sure why. I start putting him in his car seat anyway. Only makes him more mad.

G takes her shoes off again.

“WTF?! Jesus, it’s Easter!” (like he doesn’t know and like that means he’s supposed to perfectly order my life for me)

Sorry Lord. I’m going crazy here.

…..

Buckling G into her car seat.

Don’t cry G. Please no more crying. Momma can’t take it. I can’t handle it. Mom’s gonna start crying.

She starts to cry as I close the door. Shoes on! Mom! Shoes on!

I told her I wouldn’t put them on again if she took them off.

I put them on.

Narrowly escaped Meltdown #4

Monday Morning

I’m not even really sure what happened here. I just knew I couldn’t stay at the house.

The baby was crying and G was begging me to go bye bye. I’m with ya, G. I’m with ya.

I get them in the car, hoping the drive will calm my crying baby who doesn’t want to be consoled. I drive to the library to return my books that are due. And then I have no idea where to go. Everything I need to do is at home, but there’s no way I’m going back there. I have things to return to Target, which basically means “free money” to spend and even that doesn’t lift my mood. I have ZERO desire to go to Target. Clearly something is not right. I’m getting more depressed by the minute as I run by option after option and I can come up with nothing. Starbucks – don’t want to spend the money on the calories/sugar that I don’t want to consume. I don’t want to take my kids to Trader Joe’s or any other grocery store because I don’t think I can handle having a melt down in public.

Now driving aimlessly, I finally decide to call my mom, not knowing what else to do. She tells me to come out to the house.  Feeling sorry for me, she also invites us to dinner, knowing without even asking that I’ve got nothing planned. She’s right, of course. Hadn’t crossed my mind once. Thank God. It would’ve stressed me out more.

Tuesday Morning

I don’t remember Tuesday morning. I know it was rough too. Obviously, I’ve blocked it from my memory.

 

What’s the point? Where am I going with all of this?

I just want other moms to know they’re not alone. We all have rough days… or in my case rough weeks :)

And then in the midst of all the crap, I meet with Jesus. Miraculously, both kids fell asleep at the same time today. The song “Great I Am” by New Life Worship was playing in our house. I  took a moment to close my eyes and talk to Jesus and he met me right where I was. When you stop focusing on yourself and your crap, and you focus on Jesus, He puts it all into perspective. God it’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. We are so undeserving of Him and His love, but He just pours it out on us, unconditionally. He accepts me as I am. With all my flaws and imperfections. The love of God never ceases to amaze me. Since I don’t think I can put into words how it feels, I’m including this video. It’s a song that our friend Kara sang on Sunday. She rocked it, man.

 

Please note that I do not cuss at my children. It’s in my head, to myself, under my breath. Please also note I love my life, and I love my kids. My goal in life is to be real. I can’t stand fake. We all feel alone at times, and if I can help someone out by sharing the less than beautiful parts of my life, I absolutely will.  

 

lovelisa